Nicola and Iain

Nicola and her husband Iain knew they would never be able to conceive naturally. After multiple, unsuccessful IVF attempts, they turned to adoption.

Nicola shared their story with us.

“My husband and I have always known that we would never have children naturally. We decided to try IVF first but before we went into it, we decided how many cycles we’d try so there was a cut-off point.

IVF was very physically intrusive and for me, it made me feel very vulnerable too. When the cycles failed I felt a personal responsibility as it was my body.

When we started to look at adoption I had to focus on what was at the heart of me wanting to be a parent. And that was that I wanted to be a mum, and I wanted to be a mum with my husband, and I wanted us to be a family. When I thought more about it, the main part of having a child was not necessarily carrying a baby. It’s such a big physical thing for a woman to carry a baby but actually it's such a small part of being a parent.

And now with hindsight there's no sadness at all in it not working because it wasn't meant to work, because I was meant to be Monty’s mummy instead.

Turning to adoption

We were both in our forties when we started the adoption process. We approached our local authority who referred us to Adoption Counts.

We had an amazing social worker who was wonderful. We’re quite organised people and so found getting things done by deadlines pretty easy, and the whole process for us from starting the training to getting approved by a panel took six months.

It was only three days after we were approved at panel that our social worker rang us and told us that there was a little boy we’d been matched with. We’d been approved to have a child up to age two, and this little boy was six months.

I think at this point I shut down a little bit. I wasn't expecting it to be that quick. My husband saw the picture of Monty and almost melted with emotions, but for me after almost three years of IVF and all the disappointment that comes with it, I think I'd just got to the point where I was a bit numb. I wanted to be a mum so much that I couldn’t really believe it might actually happen.

Meeting Monty for the first time was surreal. We went to his foster carers and it was strange being in someone else’s house with all these other adults and this new baby. But not long after we’d been there, even with all these other adults around, Monty sat on me and fell asleep. We've got this beautiful picture of him asleep on me and we talk about it with him all the time. Now he’s older he asks about the first time we met, and he’ll say how did we choose each other? And I’ll say you chose me the moment you fell asleep on me.

“IVF made me feel like I’d failed whereas adoption gave us the chance to be a family.

At the time it felt like a big thing to be able to carry a baby, but actually it's such a small part of being a parent.”

– Nicola

Life with Monty

Monty was living with us three months after we first met him, so all together we flew through the adoption process in just nine months. It felt ironic that this was the same amount of time I would have been pregnant for.

Now Monty is older, he runs out of school every day and jumps on me with the biggest smile. Our attachment and our bond is so strong because it has to be – he has to have that security in his life and we are that to him. He is so much fun, and the highs of parenting are amazing.

We have our challenges – as every parent does – but we’ve accessed support as we’ve needed it and there’s plenty out there. Monty shows some signs of ADHD and autism but some of my friend’s birth children do too, but I feel lucky in a way as I can make use of the resources that adopted children are offered.

Some days can be difficult but, whether you’re a birth parent or an adopted parent, you just have to try your best. And it’s totally worth it. I wouldn't change Monty for all the world.

The key thing for me is that we are a family, which at one point in this journey I didn’t think was possible. Being adopted is a part of Monty’s identity but it’s not all of it, and our unique family feels just that bit more special. I love being a mum and I feel lucky every day to be Monty’s mummy. Sometimes we dance and spin round in the kitchen and, looking into his eyes, I just feel pure joy.”